An Essay on Relationships
Or
The New Testament of Love
It was on an April day she came attired in red like a forest
flame into my life. She enveloped me like an in- satiated desire. , a flame of
love which could not be thrown away or feeding itself grew big and all
pervading.
In Chennai, where the rain god was away on a big vacation ,
the morning sky was warm and the cruel rays fell on us.
“Call me Rhea,” she told me . ‘’ The goddess we recovered
from the nether world”. She smiled as if she were a Greek statue some
4000 years old .
This is my day.
My life .
This is the day I have been waiting for all my life .
My body ached .In the hot sun of April she has burnished
once again like the flame of forest which hid the forest within.
“I have been waiting for years to see you”, she said .She
scolded me as if it were my fault and lifted her eyes condescendingly.
Her breasts were heaving high and back trying to hide
the pain and soft anger. Her face grew
red in color. Suddenly she was everywhere.
Rhea, I murmured “So much the wait .And just a day before
us”’
Only one day .
The days seemingly lost its relevance and seemed this day of April 1995 is only real.
The railway station was full of passengers coming from
different parts of the world
Their clatter. The unsavory calls in Tamil. Swearing.
Taxiwallahs. Auto rickshaw stand.
Rhea came that day into my life like a storm.
Look into my eyes and be one. I told her obsessively. She
was not in a mood to hear it. Weary from travel and physically tired to the
core ,she stood there tantalizingly near but so far from my mind.
I wondered whether it was the same girl I fantasized, loved
and kept in the recesses of mind all through these years. Her eyes so
expressive , her hair full and long, lean and round ,she was sensuous to the
core. Somewhere a ring of caution. Is
she the girl you dreamed ?
Later in the car while we were driving out there were only
some general awkward questions. Familiar words spoken again and again ruining
the hope and love.
Rhea was everything .Her eyes seemingly caught mine and she hugged me as if she would
break my ribs.
“What if I were not the first man in your life?”, Iasked
her.
She accused her fingers against me.
It was a ritual in sensuality. Flesh against flesh.
Searching the contours of life through the eyes and hands.
It was serene outside the Chennai Grand. Bullock carts, man
driven rickshwas, cow dung, women in half naked dress carrying jasmines and
selling them.
I could hear all the noises as it was yesterday.
The day Rhea came into my life changed my life altogether.
Though known to each other passionately through words
With the loss of the physical barrier, the world shook
within us.
“where were you all through the years?’, without fathoming the absence of years I
asked her.
Is the rain goddess
paying hide and seek with winter and spring? Is she the modern goddess standing
naked to all Or she is just Rhea. My flesh and love? Remembrance. Life. Tears
welled up. IT came back to me in an April dream.
“Dreaming?”,Rhea asked. For long and I am just it were not a
dream. She laughed. The infectious laughter ,the sweetness of it could hurt
your inner core
Charming girl. you
are more attractive than your words””
Letters, letters of love and despair were our main source of
strength, of living together .That day I have seen words becoming impregnate
with ideas and life.
Age stood still .there was a barrier of twenty years between
us. She was young and in the prime .I was old and wrinkled, troubled by
diseases and inconsistencies in life My wife walked out of my life citing silly
reasons. My heartlessness or lack of love. Or physical charm.
And suddenly Rhea
happened. From a small talk over the
undependable telephone line. Then there were numerous letters. True epistles of
love, as St Paul would have called it our new
testament of life and love
Rhea was young and studying. She was the bright girl who
stood first in all she did and I was so different. Nothing that a man or woman
would crave. A failed man in the forties struggling to live the life of a
writer. A small time poet who could boast of some haikus which hasn’t seen the
life of the day.
I hadn’t told her who I was. For her somehow my words or
voice were important. “love without physical contact is not love ,I reminded her
She agreed and laughed it away
And what we are now
is what we are””……..???/
Dear god. I am not that age to think of love as old love
warriors. laila majanu or the like .For
me it is a furious fire venting it up with plugs and sockets freeing the animal
energy. It is animal passion masqueraded as Platonic relationship.
She didnt reply for long. I thought it was the end. Thought
she would have found a nice young man instead of a man so old and so far away.
“physical or not,love could not be measured “,she wrote
back.She confided in me of her first relationship with a boy she knew.
It was more pain than love. She was begging and crying.
Rhea,because it is the first time every thing would be alright
He was bright and charming. Tall like Eiffel towers. Eyes
glowing in the sun. He has again penetrated me, Influenced me keeping in a
state of shock. I wept as if I have lost my whole life.
She comforted me and assured me that she would always be there
for me.
”Rhea”,words still
ring in me and the pain of the first conjunction. The consummation of first
love, physical, not so sweet, but not so bitter.
I thought I would settle for him so sweet, physically
attractive, good being and in a way experienced.
I have continued In the small house of his,where nobody else
would come ,We met and talked and ultimately it ended in physical relation
ship. He grew into me and being the first relationship, I become so attached to
him. Till he left me”’Do not leave me””,I told him.I need you”’
“Will come. I will marry you. Should nt used to have a
house. A house of full of children.
He hugged me. We had
another session of pineapple blue. She hugged me again and penetrated deep into
my womanliness. The pleasure of physical charm and attractiveness was too heavy
to wear off. The moment the flight disappeared, I become my ordinary self, I
was just Rhea,I could nt think I was another mad girl in love with Amal.
Amal called from Dubai. Job was dull.
Had physical stress.
Only the dream of our love drive him on.
In the sands of time I could visualize an young boy walking
thinking of me . Me in my nakedness. Physical or perennial love. I do not know.
Then the letters became short. Money has become passion with
him. Lastly he wrote to me.
‘’should we continue the relationship?”’
Already love was ebbing off.it is worn off. Even the talk of
him or a reminder of him send me into despair. I would vomit .Vomit all my
memories so that I could be free .
“’Girl”’,’you suffered all together’’.”do you feel you got
cheated?’,
No, it is my refusal which would have driven him to the
decision;, she told me.
No physical union with him .love ends when physical
attraction wears off”
You may be right”
perhaps I could have cursed all the love if he hadn’t touched my heart as he
replied.
Then silence. Though she should have found some other man by
this time.
No now it is my parents.They want me to get married soon. I
am getting fat. Old. And my physical liaison with Amal was showing off.”what is
wrong? In our culture love ,especially for a girl brought up in the confines of
home, is not allowed.She has to obey. What her parents tell her.
“Away with it. Fool.your age shows. Where are your feelings?
”Feelings.I lost it years ago .What has remained in me is
the animal passion ,the passion of mammals. God. I wish it should nt have been so’’
Rhea was my destiny.A destiny I could not shook off.
I have looked at the image of me in the mirror and shuddered.
Tried applying hair cream and looking young. Perhaps hair dye would have erased
external visible marks. Marks given by years of life, marks which cannot be
erased from the mind.
What a life I had led?
It was rat race althrough the years. Office to home. Home to
office. Nice prattles. Niceties. Civil bickering.
What a fine man, they whispered. Every thing has been
endorsed. Nice car, beautiful wife, good children.
Only I could not fathom my despair. There was something in
me which wanted to avoid everything in life and go alone. Alone in a hermitage.
A monastery. Like monasteries of old. Where the chief monk would lash himself
with ………and torture himself from the treacheries of the world Physical love, carnal
desire.
For the good of the world I wanted to get rid of my carnal
desires. I wanted to clear off emotions draining my life.
I wanted not to be part of the motley crowd I wanted to get rid of my carnal desires. I
do not want to sin.Flesh has become so weak. Spirits were not uplifting me.
Looking back. I could not differentiate between days and
months and years.My life has flown away.
What have I been doing all these years? My wife grew old, my wife
left me. I was constantly on the move. But where was my soul? Or is
there any soul at all?
Doubts. Persistent bickering
mar life. The world of living This workaday life The world of living. We are in
a limbo. We cannot go up or down
In Mumbai,crowds coming up and down. So much people. So much
less space. I have been seeing me through them.I have just become a crowd.a
part of crowd in and herior A VT station. A part of crowd in juhu.and finally
at the lap of a sensuous woman.,singing.to Mumbai I come
Looking back I could remember every mile stone of my
childhood. Small narrow roads and ghat roads connecting to the town. Street
woman who were part of the village choir. I have believed then in God. I have
believed then in man. And love was everywhere.
For a boy growing up in the pristine beauty of a rural
village everything was colored and lit in light green and gold intertwining the memory
I slept as if I were in my mothers womb not caring the world
and Lilliputs around. It is for another day . Another life.
Coming to the present. There were any news from Rhea. So
many girls and boys I was in touch .I also forgot Rhea. But sometimes the pain
would return to me and ask me of where Rhea is She should be married now She
would have become a moralist Why should I disturb an Eve like a Satan in an old
story of love and cheating.
Days .months. Years .I was getting older…philosophical musings.
It is the duty of all to allow others the beauty of life they want to
Aravindan wanted to live alone and left alone. At times he
would be seen with women, who adored him He never love to them or passionately
said no to the of permanent love or marriage. Henceforth be an ordinary folk. I
have decided to be alone and had a woman everyday.
Life`s way are myriad.Aravindan is with me right now with
the girl of his choice telling me no
date is late for love. I knew her >her several trysts with men. Very
hot .Hadnt I myself had a very carnal
forgetfulness with her? It doesn’t matter. She knew it and he knows it.
Small incidents. Aravindan coming running to me. He is trying
to find escape from the woman who is madly pursuing him to attack him.
:why have I committed myself to marriage”he asked me.
“Nobody ask the right question when time is there”,I
consoled him.he had returned home Samll cries and whispers
Then it was Aravindans wife.’
I could nt live with him he is a beast in the bed’ she
declares nonchalantly
What is wrong”’I forget not to ask.
Mutual recriminations. Story of love and desire gone astray
She looks deep into my eyes suggestively I am not a
moralist but not in a mood to be a party either. The
Present. The April son started burning bright words. Tiger
tiger burning bright..
Rhea was holding her head against my shoulders For her it
seems the end of the journey
Past. she was on a difficult journey afterwards. She
couldn’t refuse the boys selected by her family He was handsome. Earning well”Chris is not an ordinary boy. He
was swell””
Krsi adored her as if she were a devatha. He draped her in
costly sarees ,churidar. Jewelry. She became a centre piece in the palatial
house he has purchased for her. She would be the queen in the palace with a
small boy.
The baby.For her nurturing the bay and training him and
seiing him growing up become a consuming passion.It seemed the childhood has
returned to her once again.Her parents got delighted. So was krsi.The perfect
wife who cooks and dress like working girl cam ewell for him. Taking care of children.
S he was studying the ropes as well.
Till amal came back from Dubai to start anew business’ ehad
married a heiress had tons of money and do not know what to do
with it.
Women.he had enogh luxury .luxury breeds boredom. Some how
every thing went topsy turvy. Debtors took hold of his property his wife sused
His wife had eleoped with asalesman. Perhaps they would make their life good or
we should wish it should be like it. You should not wait for street scenes of
af alover betraying his rich bride. Already betrayed by her husband she
deserves anew life. Fate,away from her.
Amal again. Rhea could nt remember how Amal came into her
life once again after her marriage her life was in the cloistered place. With
palace guards and the little child whom she loved so intensely. But one day she
looked at the mirror. She could not believe it was the same woman all the men
folk fantasized in her teens. White hairs
sprang up. Wrinkles appeared on her forehead
She was getting old. Now wonder Kris wouldn’t have any time
for her. The physical intimacy has deteriorated to such a level that Kris
didbnt even noticed that rhea has dangerous lesions on her body. Suddenly she
thought of Rao,the doctor
She wanted to have an expert to talk about her ailments. She
wanted to get her youth back.
Rhea tried to start it once again. Had made an appointment
with the doctor .Son has been put under the custody of his parents .Servants
were send home.
Expect the
unexpected. The drive to Dr Rao would nt have taken long. But since she
had not taken cathe car for long and was unfamiliar with new road,she was
forced to take anew road. Muddied by monsoon showers. Water lashed against the
wind shields.
“Had I made a wrong decision? Kris should have been with
me”’,she thought.
Suddenly the rain became so long and the road got muddied
with water. Some body told her that a dam has been burst and water is getting
pumped into the roads. Like a Tsunami it came
As she come out to safety,
she could see the car washed away in the floods. What a day,she whispered. The rain was not abating
and the floods played havoc through the lush paddy fields. She wished if the
sun would rise again .She wished if Amal
were there.
Her wish was granted partially. Amal was there looking at
the girls flesh enveloped by the wet dress. The bosom uncovered. Sari
disheveled. Old age visible through her hairs. No hiding it. She did not want
Amal to see he in such a shape. Wondered why I have kept it all unattended all
the years.
At the sight of Amal she blushed.Old memories returned to
her. Old liasion. Naked to each other ,they would cajol each other ,carass
each other and had devoured each other as it were in an old passion play.
Amal was in the shop where Rhea came in. He doesn’t want to
meet her as he was afraid whether she would forgive him.And what of him
now? His riches have gone.His shop is
empty and he himself was a vestige of his yester years. He was so afraid and
hesitant.
Both see each other .Perhaps the intense physical pain reminded
them of their old physical trysts. The meeting of a man and woman who shared
the fruit of the sin for the first time
“ I could n’t believe myself” ,Amal told Rhea.
You were here. Why haven’t you meet me?”
I thought I would disturb you””
She laughed. The hoarse voice betrayed her illness, her
unhappiness but somehow he liked it.
Perhaps the rain, the cold shiver and the dilapidated
building have provided a fresh platform for their new rendezvous as if arranged by the gods.Or they thought.
“ It was a mistake”,He
confessed
“Do not talk of the past ‘,she warned.
It was the past we were. And we destroyed it”, she said
“Even if you hadn’t bumped me, I would have dumped you”, she
revealed. It was the first shock. Suddenly it dawned on him. It was just casual
love. Animal puppy love.>He cried in the mind for the loss of innocence. The
loss of his own sense of guilt, which was a pleasure. You redeemed me from the
pain
He wanted to kiss her and say good bye..She wanted to escape
from there .But rain gods were plotting again. A burst of hailstorms..the road sparkled in the icy white crystals which fell like dead stone
When I was young and just becoming a girl I would go after
them to collect it in my skirt. After a moment it would nt be. I have carried
it all through these years as a secret. She smiled remembering the small girl
playing hide and seek with the white crystals as if it were an eternity.
In the dark. When the rain came it came as floods .One day
we were washed off from the settlement .Water has become a curse to me.
Rhea consoles Amal.
”Amal,you got everything you wanted.rich wife.Riches,Big
bazaar. Girls of your choice.”
Me too. But see how like raindrops on atindrum
I am empty and
hollow.
Amal tried to hug her and console her.
Rhea I have failed in my life and I do not know I would be
the same again”
Perhaps we were destined to meet like this to see me
dejected and lost.”
Rhea got surprised
Amal.
Falling.falling,falling..
“We should allow how to fall,fall and fall.I am there Come
one day”she waved to him and tried to walk through the rains.
‘No Rhea,It is still raining hard and the road has become a valley of
death where traps of death smiling at you.”
Traps ?you are kidding?it was the same for all these
years. I was trapped like an animal althrough these years”Except when my body
….me”
Rhea cried and waited for the rains to subside.Amal got
alarmed. Though he has eloped he was aware of his name and his name getting
involved with. He is a man of standing,member of lions and Rotary clubs,
donate handsomely>they are so enamoured neamoured of them . He wanted her to be inside the sop.
Inside the shop,she tried to sqeeze out waterfrom the saree
and tried to takeoff her wet clothes without getting her uncomfortable.
It was years since I have seen her osBut ido not know why
Icant touch her
A falsh appeared andisapperaed in rheas eyes.
“I thought you would have me’,”Body and soul”No rhea”
“Leave me”’
She walked into the rain Her hair was disheveled>She
didn’t look back though amal wished for it.
Oneday. Perhaps I could have her,he thought and looked back
into the mirror to see his own horrible image Fat,bald, pot bellied He was a
disaster.
Oh rhea,he cried at the loss of love and youth.
It was raining heavily DR rao has already left for home and
Rhea had to wander through the rain to reach home. By the time she reached home
somebody have ensured that the car was recovered and send ther.
Iight.She felt free at last.There was no thoght of amal or the
krsi or even about her own child,who was growing fast.
She looked into the night which was heavy and calm except for
some noises asking for help or light for getting home.In the hills the
nights are very very dangerous if iyouaare unfit
>The soundof the sudden rush of water acted like a a gash in
her wound.She felt so alone.
She longed for love.The raindrops tapping on the houseand
calling her name andvaiding her to sleep.She slept off to anew dawn. n
Present. The sun in April has risen up. Rhea was with me for
three hours and we knew it would be a very cruel evening. Perhapswe would nt
even meet in our lifes time
Shewas nt perttrubed and seemingly happy too.
‘Age is catching up with me diseases too”’ i told her.
“What of me?Iam also getting old”,
Then only he has seen her hairgetting grey and face wrinkled
: yu love me?Heasked quizzically.
Perhaps it was the questionshe wanted to hear all these
years.
She hasn’t replied and looked up at him intently
If so I would have done years backRhea replied.andsmileda
tmy question
My babe.I couldn’t control myself.’
“ You are so cute .How have I lost so early?”
No,there are hours and minutes to go and even seconds are great”
A silly frown from her
For me you are the fire for my passion. the deep feel of
self,there turn of self esteem everything we advise and seek.
We know that there are enough seconds and minutes and hours
and if it is not possible days and months to
propose our love.
Even if we do not propose at all, every thing would go as it
is ,The time is not going to stand still ,the April sun would grow hot and May
would burn hot .Deserts would bloom .And rain would come.
Perhaps we would remain like a sculpture of love, telling
the new testament of love like Micaeal Angelo did centuries ago.
Present.
I am seeing off Rhea to her world and freeing
myself .
Love is not love which doesn’t allow itself to be loose ,free.
15/07/2009
You beast she laughed.and put off the telephone from the
cradle.i felt acreeping sensation.
An Essay on Relationships
Or
The New Testament of Love
It was on an April day she came attired in red like a forest
flame into my life. She enveloped me like an in- satiated desire. , a flame of
love which could not be thrown away or feeding itself grew big and all
pervading.
In Chennai, where the rain god was away on a big vacation ,
the morning sky was warm and the cruel rays fell on us.
“Call me Rhea,” she told me . ‘’ The goddess we recovered
from the nether world”. She smiled as if she were a Greek statue some
4000 years old .
This is my day.
My life .
This is the day I have been waiting for all my life .
My body ached .In the hot sun of April she has burnished
once again like the flame of forest which hid the forest within.
“I have been waiting for years to see you”, she said .She
scolded me as if it were my fault and lifted her eyes condescendingly.
Her breasts were heaving high and back trying to hide
the pain and soft anger. Her face grew
red in color. Suddenly she was everywhere.
Rhea, I murmured “So much the wait .And just a day before
us”’
Only one day .
The days seemingly lost its relevance and seemed this day of April 1995 is only real.
The railway station was full of passengers coming from
different parts of the world
Their clatter. The unsavory calls in Tamil. Swearing.
Taxiwallahs. Auto rickshaw stand.
Rhea came that day into my life like a storm.
Look into my eyes and be one. I told her obsessively. She
was not in a mood to hear it. Weary from travel and physically tired to the
core ,she stood there tantalizingly near but so far from my mind.
I wondered whether it was the same girl I fantasized, loved
and kept in the recesses of mind all through these years. Her eyes so
expressive , her hair full and long, lean and round ,she was sensuous to the
core. Somewhere a ring of caution. Is
she the girl you dreamed ?
Later in the car while we were driving out there were only
some general awkward questions. Familiar words spoken again and again ruining
the hope and love.
Rhea was everything .Her eyes seemingly caught mine and she hugged me as if she would
break my ribs.
“What if I were not the first man in your life?”, Iasked
her.
She accused her fingers against me.
It was a ritual in sensuality. Flesh against flesh.
Searching the contours of life through the eyes and hands.
It was serene outside the Chennai Grand. Bullock carts, man
driven rickshwas, cow dung, women in half naked dress carrying jasmines and
selling them.
I could hear all the noises as it was yesterday.
The day Rhea came into my life changed my life altogether.
Though known to each other passionately through words
With the loss of the physical barrier, the world shook
within us.
“where were you all through the years?’, without fathoming the absence of years I
asked her.
Is the rain goddess
paying hide and seek with winter and spring? Is she the modern goddess standing
naked to all Or she is just Rhea. My flesh and love? Remembrance. Life. Tears
welled up. IT came back to me in an April dream.
“Dreaming?”,Rhea asked. For long and I am just it were not a
dream. She laughed. The infectious laughter ,the sweetness of it could hurt
your inner core
Charming girl. you
are more attractive than your words””
Letters, letters of love and despair were our main source of
strength, of living together .That day I have seen words becoming impregnate
with ideas and life.
Age stood still .there was a barrier of twenty years between
us. She was young and in the prime .I was old and wrinkled, troubled by
diseases and inconsistencies in life My wife walked out of my life citing silly
reasons. My heartlessness or lack of love. Or physical charm.
And suddenly Rhea
happened. From a small talk over the
undependable telephone line. Then there were numerous letters. True epistles of
love, as St Paul would have called it our new
testament of life and love
Rhea was young and studying. She was the bright girl who
stood first in all she did and I was so different. Nothing that a man or woman
would crave. A failed man in the forties struggling to live the life of a
writer. A small time poet who could boast of some haikus which hasn’t seen the
life of the day.
I hadn’t told her who I was. For her somehow my words or
voice were important. “love without physical contact is not love ,I reminded her
She agreed and laughed it away
And what we are now
is what we are””……..???/
Dear god. I am not that age to think of love as old love
warriors. laila majanu or the like .For
me it is a furious fire venting it up with plugs and sockets freeing the animal
energy. It is animal passion masqueraded as Platonic relationship.
She didnt reply for long. I thought it was the end. Thought
she would have found a nice young man instead of a man so old and so far away.
“physical or not,love could not be measured “,she wrote
back.She confided in me of her first relationsshipwith aboy she knew.
It was more pain than love. She was begging and crying.
Rhea,because it is the first time every thing would be alright
He was bright and charming. Tall like Eiffel towers. Eyes
glowing in the sun. He has again penetrated me, Influenced me keeping in a
state of shock. I wept as if I have lost my whole life.
She comforted me and assured me that she would always be there
for me.
”Rhea”,words still
ring in me and the pain of the first conjunction. The consummation of first
love, physical, not so sweet, but not so bitter.
I thought I would settle for him so sweet, physically
attractive, good being and in a way experienced.
I have continued In the small house of his,where nobody else
would come ,We met and talked and ultimately it ended in physical relation
ship. He grew into me and being the first relationship, I become so attached to
him. Till he left me”’Do not leave me””,I told him.I need you”’
“Will come. I will marry you. Should nt used to have a
house. A house of full of children.
He hugged me. We had
another session of pineapple blue. She hugged me again and penetrated deep into
my womanliness. The pleasure of physical charm and attractiveness was too heavy
to wear off. The moment the flight disappeared, I become my ordinary self, I
was just Rhea,I could nt think I was another mad girl in love with Amal.
Amal called from Dubai. Job was dull.
Had physical stress.
Only the dream of our love drive him on.
In the sands of time I could visualize an young boy walking
thinking of me . Me in my nakedness. Physical or perennial love. I do not know.
Then the letters became short. Money has become passion with
him. Lastly he wrote to me.
‘’should we continue the relationship?”’
Already love was ebbing off.it is worn off. Even the talk of
him or a reminder of him send me into despair. I would vomit .Vomit all my
memories so that I could be free .
“’Girl”’,’you suffered all together’’.”do you feel you got
cheated?’,
No, it is my refusal which would have driven him to the
decision;, she told me.
No physical union with him .love ends when physical
attraction wears off”
You may be right”
perhaps I could have cursed all the love if he hadn’t touched my heart as he
replied.
Then silence. Though she should have found some other man by
this time.
No now it is my parents.They want me to get married soon. I
am getting fat. Old. And my physical liaison with Amal was showing off.”what is
wrong? In our culture love ,especially for a girl brought up in the confines of
home, is not allowed.She has to obey. What her parents tell her.
“Away with it. Fool.your age shows. Where are your feelings?
”Feelings.I lost it years ago .What has remained in me is
the animal passion ,the passion of mammals. God. I wish it should nt have been so’’
Rhea was my destiny.A destiny I could not shook off.
I have looked at the image of me in the mirror and shuddered.
Tried applying hair cream and looking young. Perhaps hair dye would have erased
external visible marks. Marks given by years of life, marks which cannot be
erased from the mind.
What a life I had led?
It was rat race althrough the years. Office to home. Home to
office. Nice prattles. Niceties. Civil bickering.
What a fine man, they whispered. Every thing has been
endorsed. Nice car, beautiful wife, good children.
Only I could not fathom my despair. There was something in
me which wanted to avoid everything in life and go alone. Alone in a hermitage.
A monastery. Like monasteries of old. Where the chief monk would lash himself
with ………and torture himself from the treacheries of the world Physical love, carnal
desire.
For the good of the world I wanted to get rid of my carnal
desires. I wanted to clear off emotions draining my life.
I wanted not to be part of the motley crowd I wanted to get rid of my carnal desires. I
do not want to sin.Flesh has become so weak. Spirits were not uplifting me.
Looking back. I could not differentiate between days and
months and years.My life has flown away.
What have I been doing all these years? My wife grew old, my wife
left me. I was constantly on the move. But where was my soul? Or is
there any soul at all?
Doubts. Persistent bickering
mar life. The world of living This workaday life The world of living. We are in
a limbo. We cannot go up or down
In Mumbai,crowds coming up and down. So much people. So much
less space. I have been seeing me through them.I have just become a crowd.a
part of crowd in and herior A VT station. A part of crowd in juhu.and finally
at the lap of a sensuous woman.,singing.to Mumbai I come
Looking back I could remember every mile stone of my
childhood. Small narrow roads and ghat roads connecting to the town. Street
woman who were part of the village choir. I have believed then in God. I have
believed then in man. And love was everywhere.
For a boy growing up in the pristine beauty of a rural
village everything was colored and lit in light green and gold intertwining the memory
I slept as if I were in my mothers womb not caring the world
and Lilliputs around. It is for another day . Another life.
Coming to the present. There were any news from Rhea. So
many girls and boys I was in touch .I also forgot Rhea. But sometimes the pain
would return to me and ask me of where Rhea is She should be married now She
would have become a moralist Why should I disturb an Eve like a Satan in an old
story of love and cheating.
Days .months. Years .I was getting older…philosophical musings.
It is the duty of all to allow others the beauty of life they want to
Aravindan wanted to live alone and left alone. At times he
would be seen with women, who adored him He never love to them or passionately
said no to the of permanent love or marriage. Henceforth be an ordinary folk. I
have decided to be alone and had a woaman everyday.
Life`s way are myriad.Aravindan is with me right now with
the girl of his choice telling me no
date is late for love. I knew her >her several trysts with men. Very
hot.Hadnt I myself had a very carnal
forgetfulness with her? It doesn’t matter. She knew it and he knows it.
Small incidents.Aravindan coming running to me. He is trying
to findescape from the woman who is madly pursuing him to attack him.
:why have I committed myself to marriage”he asked me.
“Nobody ask the right question when time is there”,I
consoled him.he had returned home Samll cries and whispers
Then it was Aravindans wife.’
I could nt live with him he is a beast in the bed’ she
declares nonchalantly
What is wrong”’I forget not to ask.
Mutual recriminations. Story of love and desire gone astray
She looks deep into my eyes suggestively I am not a
moaralist but not in a mood to be a party either. The
Present. The April son started burning bright words. Tiger
tiger burning bright..
Rhea was holding her head against my shoulders For her it
seems the end of the journey
Past. she was on a difficult journey afterwards. She
couldn’t refuse the boys selected by her family He was handsome. Earning well”Chris is not an ordinary boy. He
was swell””
Krsi adored her as if she were a devatha. He draped her in
costly sarees ,churidar. Jewelry. She became a centre piece in the palatial
house he has purchased for her. She would be the queen in the palace with a
small boy.
The baby.For her nurturing the bay and training him and
seiing him growing up become a consuming passion.It seemed the childhood has
returned to her once again.Her parents got delighted. So was krsi.The perfect
wife who cooks and dress like working girl cam ewell for him. Taking care of children.
S he was studying the ropes as well.
Till amal came back from Dubai to start anew business’ ehad
married a heiress had tons of money and do not know what to do
with it.
Women.he had enogh luxury .luxury breeds boredom. Some how
every thing went topsy turvy. Debtors took hold of his property his wife sused
His wife had eleoped with asalesman. Perhaps they would make their life good or
we should wish it should be like it. You should not wait for street scenes of
af alover betraying his rich bride. Already betrayed by her husband she
deserves anew life. Fate,away from her.
Amal again. Rhea could nt remember how Amal came into her
life once again after her marriage her life was in the cloistered place. With
palace guards and the little child whom she loved so intensely. But one day she
looked at the mirror. She could not believe it was the same woman all the men
folk fantasized in her teens. White hairs
sprang up. Wrinkles appeared on her forehead
She was getting old. Now wonder Kris wouldn’t have any time
for her. The physical intimacy has deteriorated to such a level that Kris
didbnt even noticed that rhea has dangerous lesions on her body. Suddenly she
thought of Rao,the doctor
She wanted to have an expert to talk about her ailments. She
wanted to get her youth back.
Rhea tried to start it once again. Had made an appointment
with the doctor .Son has been put under the custody of his parents .Servants
were send home.
Expect the
unexpected. The drive to Dr Rao would nt have taken long. But since she
had not taken cathe car for long and was unfamiliar with new road,she was
forced to take anew road. Muddied by monsoon showers. Water lashed against the
wind shields.
“Had I made a wrong decision? Krsi should have been with
me”’,she thought.
Suddenly the rain became so long and the road got muddied
with water. Some body told her that a dam has been burst and water is getting
pumped into the roads. Like a Tsunami it came
As she come out to safety,
she could see the car washed away in the floods. What a day,she whispered. The rain was not abating
and the floods played havoc through the lush paddy fields. She wished if the
sun would rise again .She wished if Amal
were there.
Her wish was granted partially. Amal was there looking at
the girls flesh enveloped by the wet dress. The bosom uncovered. Sari
disheveled. Old age visible through her hairs. No hiding it. She did not want
Amal to see he in such a shape. Wondered why I have kept it all unattended all
the years.
At the sight of Amal she blushed.Old memeories returned to
her. Old liasions. Naked to each other ,they would cajoleeach other ,carass
each other and had devoured each other as it were in an old passion play.
Amal was in the shop where Rhea came in. He doesn’t want to
meet her as he was afraid whether she would forgive him.And what of him
now? His riches have gone.His shop is
empty and he himself was avestige of his yeater years. He was so afraid and
hesitant.
Both see each other .Perhaps the intense physical pain reminded
them of their old physical trysts. The meeting of a man and woman who shared
the fruit of the sin for the first time
“ I couldn’t believe myself” ,Amal told Rhea.
You were here. Why haven’t you meet me?”
I thought I would disturb you””
She laughed. The hoarse voice betrayed her illness, her
unhappiness but somehow he liked it.
Perhaps the rain, the cold shiver and the dilapidated
building have provided a fresh platform for their new rendezvous as if arranged by the gods.Or they thought.
“ It was a misatke”,He
confessed
“Do not talk of the past ‘,she warned.
It was the past we were. And we destroyed it”, she said
“Even if you hadn’t bumped me, I would have dumped you”, she
revealed. It was the first shock. Suddenly it dawned on him. It was just casual
love. Animal puppy love.>He cried in the mind for the loss of innocence. The
loss of his own sense of guilt, which was a pleasure. You redeemed me from the
pain
He wanted to kiss her and say good bye..She wanted to escape
from there .But rain gods were plotting again. A burst of hailstorms..the road
psparkled in the icy white crystals which fell like deadstobne
When I was young and just becoming a girl I would go after
them to collect it in my skirt. After a moment it would nt be. I have carried
it all through these years as a secret. She smiled remembering the small girl
playing hide and seek with the white crystals as if it were an eternity.
In the dark. When the rain came it came as floods .One day
we were washed off from the settlement .Water has become a curse to me.
Rhea consoles Amal.
”Amal,you got everything you wanted.rich wife.Riches,Big
bazaar. Girls of your choice.”
Me too. But see how like raindrops on atindrum Iam empty and
hollow.
Amal tried to hug her and console her.
::rhea I have failed in my life and I do not know I would be
the same again”
Perhaps we were destined to meet like this to see me
dejected and lost.”
Rhea got surprised
Amal.
Falling.falling,falling..
“We should allow how to fall,fall and fall.I am there Come
one day”she waved to him and tried to walk through the rains.
‘No Rhea,It is still raining hard and the road has become a valley of
death where traps of death smiling at you.”
Traps ?you are kidding?itwas the same for all these
years.Iwas trapped like an animal al through theseyears”Except when my body
….me”
Rhea cried and waited for the rains to subside.Amal got
alarmed. Though his has eloped he was aware of his name and his name getting
involved with. He is a man of standing,member of lions and Rotary clubs,
donate handsomely>they are so
neamoured of them . He wanted her to be inside the sop.
Inside the shop,she tried to sqeeze out waterfrom the saree
and tried to takeoff her wet clothes without getting her uncomfortable.
It was years since I have seen her osBut ido not know why
Icant touch her
A falsh appeared andisapperaed in rheas eyes.
“I thought you would have me’,”Body and soul”No rhea”
“Leave me”’
She walked into the rain Her hair was disheveled>She
didn’t look back though amal wished for it.
Oneday. Perhaps I could have her,he thought and looked back
into the mirror to see his own horrible image Fat,bald, pot bellied He was a
disaster.
Oh rhea,he cried at the loss of love and youth.
It was raining heavily DR rao has already left for home and
Rhea had to wander through the rain to reach home. By the time she reached home
somebody have ensured that the car was recovered and send ther.
Ight.She felt free atlast.There was nothoght of amal or the
krsi or evneaboit her own child,who was growing fast.
She looked into the night whichwas heavy and calm except for
some noises asking for help or light for getting home.In the hills the
nightsare very very dangerousif it si
unli.
>The soundof thesudden rush ofwater acted like a agash in
her wound.She felt so alone.
She longed for love.The raindrops tapping on the houseand
calling her name andaiding her to sleep.She slept off to anew dawn. n
Present. The sun in april has risen up. Rhea was with me for
three hours and we knew it would bea very cruel evening. Perhapswe would nt
even meet in our lifes time
Shewas nt perttrubed and seemingly happy too.
‘Age is catching up with meand diseases too”’ itold her.
“What of me?Iam also getting old”,
Then only he has seen her hairgetting gary nd face wrinkled
: yu love me?Heasked quizzically.
Perhaps it was the questionshe wanted to hear all these
years.
She hasn’t replied and looked up at him intently
If so I would have done years backRhea replied.andsmileda
tmy question
My babe.i couldn’t control myself.’
“ You are so cute .How have I lost so early?”
No,there are hours and minutes to go and even seconds are great”
A silly frown from her
For me you are the fire for my passion. the deep feel of
self,there turn of self esteem everything we advise and seek.
We know that there are enough seconds and minutes and hours
and if it si not possible days and months to
propose our love.
Even if we do not propose at all, every thing would go as it
is ,The time is not going to stand still ,the April sun would grow hot and May
would burn hot .Deserts would bloom .And rain would come.
Perhaps we would remain like a sculpture of love, telling
the new testament of love like michael angelo did centuries ago.
Present. I am seeing off Rhea to her world and freeing
myself .
love is not love which doesn’t allow itself to be loose ,free.
15/07/2009
You beast she laughed.and put off the telephone from the
cradle.i felt acreeping sensation.
