cerebra: The New Testament of Love-part one

It was on an April day she came attired in red like a forest flame into my life. She enveloped me like an in- satiated desire. , a flame of love which could not be thrown away or feeding itself grew big and all pervading.

In Chennai, where the rain god was away on a big vacation , the morning sky was warm and the cruel rays fell on us.

“Call me Rhea,” she told me . ‘’ The goddess we recovered from the nether world”. She smiled as if she were a Greek statue some 4000 years old .

This is my day.

My life .

This is the day I have been waiting for all my life .

My body ached .In the hot sun of April she has burnished once again like the flame of forest which hid the forest within.

“I have been waiting for years to see you”, she said .She scolded me as if it were my fault and lifted her eyes condescendingly.

Her breasts were heaving high and back trying to hide the pain and soft anger. Her face grew red in color. Suddenly she was everywhere.

Rhea, I murmured “So much the wait .And just a day before us”’

Only one day .

The days seemingly lost its relevance and seemed this day of April 1995 is only real.

The railway station was full of passengers coming from different parts of the world

Their clatter. The unsavory calls in Tamil. Swearing. Taxiwallahs. Auto rickshaw stand.

Rhea came that day into my life like a storm.

Look into my eyes and be one. I told her obsessively. She was not in a mood to hear it. Weary from travel and physically tired to the core ,she stood there tantalizingly near but so far from my mind.

I wondered whether it was the same girl I fantasized, loved and kept in the recesses of mind all through these years. Her eyes so expressive , her hair full and long, lean and round ,she was sensuous to the core. Somewhere a ring of caution. Is she the girl you dreamed ?

Later in the car while we were driving out there were only some general awkward questions. Familiar words spoken again and again ruining the hope and love.

Rhea was everything .Her eyes seemingly caught mine and she hugged me as if she would break my ribs.

“What if I were not the first man in your life?”, Iasked her.

She accused her fingers against me.

It was a ritual in sensuality. Flesh against flesh. Searching the contours of life through the eyes and hands.

It was serene outside the Chennai Grand. Bullock carts, man driven rickshwas, cow dung, women in half naked dress carrying jasmines and selling them.

I could hear all the noises as it was yesterday.

The day Rhea came into my life changed my life altogether.

Though known to each other passionately through words

With the loss of the physical barrier, the world shook within us.

“where were you all through the years?’, without fathoming the absence of years I asked her.

Is the rain goddess paying hide and seek with winter and spring? Is she the modern goddess standing naked to all Or she is just Rhea. My flesh and love? Remembrance. Life. Tears welled up. IT came back to me in an April dream.

“Dreaming?”,Rhea asked. For long and I am just it were not a dream. She laughed. The infectious laughter ,the sweetness of it could hurt your inner core

Charming girl. you are more attractive than your words””

Letters, letters of love and despair were our main source of strength, of living together .That day I have seen words becoming impregnate with ideas and life.

Age stood still .there was a barrier of twenty years between us. She was young and in the prime .I was old and wrinkled, troubled by diseases and inconsistencies in life My wife walked out of my life citing silly reasons. My heartlessness or lack of love. Or physical charm.

And suddenly Rhea happened. From a small talk over the undependable telephone line. Then there were numerous letters. True epistles of love, as St Paul would have called it our new testament of life and love

Rhea was young and studying. She was the bright girl who stood first in all she did and I was so different. Nothing that a man or woman would crave. A failed man in the forties struggling to live the life of a writer. A small time poet who could boast of some haikus which hasn’t seen the life of the day.

I hadn’t told her who I was. For her somehow my words or voice were important. “love without physical contact is not love ,I reminded her

She agreed and laughed it away

And what we are now is what we are””……..???/

Dear god. I am not that age to think of love as old love warriors. laila majanu or the like .For me it is a furious fire venting it up with plugs and sockets freeing the animal energy. It is animal passion masqueraded as Platonic relationship.

She didnt reply for long. I thought it was the end. Thought she would have found a nice young man instead of a man so old and so far away.

“physical or not,love could not be measured “,she wrote back.She confided in me of her first relationship with a boy she knew.

It was more pain than love. She was begging and crying. Rhea,because it is the first time every thing would be alright

He was bright and charming. Tall like Eiffel towers. Eyes glowing in the sun. He has again penetrated me, Influenced me keeping in a state of shock. I wept as if I have lost my whole life.

She comforted me and assured me that she would always be there for me.

”Rhea”,words still ring in me and the pain of the first conjunction. The consummation of first love, physical, not so sweet, but not so bitter.

I thought I would settle for him so sweet, physically attractive, good being and in a way experienced.

I have continued In the small house of his,where nobody else would come ,We met and talked and ultimately it ended in physical relation ship. He grew into me and being the first relationship, I become so attached to him. Till he left me”’Do not leave me””,I told him.I need you”’

“Will come. I will marry you. Should nt used to have a house. A house of full of children.

He hugged me. We had another session of pineapple blue. She hugged me again and penetrated deep into my womanliness. The pleasure of physical charm and attractiveness was too heavy to wear off. The moment the flight disappeared, I become my ordinary self, I was just Rhea,I could nt think I was another mad girl in love with Amal.

Amal called from Dubai. Job was dull.

Had physical stress.

Only the dream of our love drive him on.

In the sands of time I could visualize an young boy walking thinking of me . Me in my nakedness. Physical or perennial love. I do not know.

Then the letters became short. Money has become passion with him. Lastly he wrote to me.

‘’should we continue the relationship?”’

Already love was ebbing off.it is worn off. Even the talk of him or a reminder of him send me into despair. I would vomit .Vomit all my memories so that I could be free .

“’Girl”’,’you suffered all together’’.”do you feel you got cheated?’,

No, it is my refusal which would have driven him to the decision;, she told me.

No physical union with him .love ends when physical attraction wears off”

You may be right” perhaps I could have cursed all the love if he hadn’t touched my heart as he replied.

Then silence. Though she should have found some other man by this time.

No now it is my parents.They want me to get married soon. I am getting fat. Old. And my physical liaison with Amal was showing off.”what is wrong? In our culture love ,especially for a girl brought up in the confines of home, is not allowed.She has to obey. What her parents tell her.

“Away with it. Fool.your age shows. Where are your feelings?

”Feelings.I lost it years ago .What has remained in me is the animal passion ,the passion of mammals. God. I wish it should nt have been so’’

Rhea was my destiny.A destiny I could not shook off.

I have looked at the image of me in the mirror and shuddered. Tried applying hair cream and looking young. Perhaps hair dye would have erased external visible marks. Marks given by years of life, marks which cannot be erased from the mind.

What a life I had led?

It was rat race althrough the years. Office to home. Home to office. Nice prattles. Niceties. Civil bickering.

What a fine man, they whispered. Every thing has been endorsed. Nice car, beautiful wife, good children.

Only I could not fathom my despair. There was something in me which wanted to avoid everything in life and go alone. Alone in a hermitage. A monastery. Like monasteries of old. Where the chief monk would lash himself with ………and torture himself from the treacheries of the world Physical love, carnal desire.

For the good of the world I wanted to get rid of my carnal desires. I wanted to clear off emotions draining my life.

I wanted not to be part of the motley crowd I wanted to get rid of my carnal desires. I do not want to sin.Flesh has become so weak. Spirits were not uplifting me.

Looking back. I could not differentiate between days and months and years.My life has flown away. What have I been doing all these years? My wife grew old, my wife left me. I was constantly on the move. But where was my soul? Or is there any soul at all?

Doubts. Persistent bickering mar life. The world of living This workaday life The world of living. We are in a limbo. We cannot go up or down

In Mumbai,crowds coming up and down. So much people. So much less space. I have been seeing me through them.I have just become a crowd.a part of crowd in and herior A VT station. A part of crowd in juhu.and finally at the lap of a sensuous woman.,singing.to Mumbai I come

Looking back I could remember every mile stone of my childhood. Small narrow roads and ghat roads connecting to the town. Street woman who were part of the village choir. I have believed then in God. I have believed then in man. And love was everywhere.

For a boy growing up in the pristine beauty of a rural village everything was colored and lit in light green and gold intertwining the memory

I slept as if I were in my mothers womb not caring the world and Lilliputs around. It is for another day . Another life.

Coming to the present. There were any news from Rhea. So many girls and boys I was in touch .I also forgot Rhea. But sometimes the pain would return to me and ask me of where Rhea is She should be married now She would have become a moralist Why should I disturb an Eve like a Satan in an old story of love and cheating.

Days .months. Years .I was getting older…philosophical musings. It is the duty of all to allow others the beauty of life they want to

Aravindan wanted to live alone and left alone. At times he would be seen with women, who adored him He never love to them or passionately said no to the of permanent love or marriage. Henceforth be an ordinary folk. I have decided to be alone and had a woman everyday.

Life`s way are myriad.Aravindan is with me right now with the girl of his choice telling me no date is late for love. I knew her >her several trysts with men. Very hot .Hadnt I myself had a very carnal forgetfulness with her? It doesn’t matter. She knew it and he knows it.

Small incidents. Aravindan coming running to me. He is trying to find escape from the woman who is madly pursuing him to attack him.

:why have I committed myself to marriage”he asked me.

“Nobody ask the right question when time is there”,I consoled him.he had returned home Samll cries and whispers

Then it was Aravindans wife.’

I could nt live with him he is a beast in the bed’ she declares nonchalantly

What is wrong”’I forget not to ask.

Mutual recriminations. Story of love and desire gone astray

She looks deep into my eyes suggestively I am not a moralist but not in a mood to be a party either. The

Present. The April son started burning bright words. Tiger tiger burning bright..

Rhea was holding her head against my shoulders For her it seems the end of the journey

Past. she was on a difficult journey afterwards. She couldn’t refuse the boys selected by her family He was handsome. Earning well”Chris is not an ordinary boy. He was swell””

Krsi adored her as if she were a devatha. He draped her in costly sarees ,churidar. Jewelry. She became a centre piece in the palatial house he has purchased for her. She would be the queen in the palace with a small boy.

The baby.For her nurturing the bay and training him and seiing him growing up become a consuming passion.It seemed the childhood has returned to her once again.Her parents got delighted. So was krsi.The perfect wife who cooks and dress like working girl cam ewell for him. Taking care of children. S he was studying the ropes as well.

Till amal came back from Dubai to start anew business’ ehad married a heiress had tons of money and do not know what to do with it.

Women.he had enogh luxury .luxury breeds boredom. Some how every thing went topsy turvy. Debtors took hold of his property his wife sused His wife had eleoped with asalesman. Perhaps they would make their life good or we should wish it should be like it. You should not wait for street scenes of af alover betraying his rich bride. Already betrayed by her husband she deserves anew life. Fate,away from her.

Amal again. Rhea could nt remember how Amal came into her life once again after her marriage her life was in the cloistered place. With palace guards and the little child whom she loved so intensely. But one day she looked at the mirror. She could not believe it was the same woman all the men folk fantasized in her teens. White hairs sprang up. Wrinkles appeared on her forehead

She was getting old. Now wonder Kris wouldn’t have any time for her. The physical intimacy has deteriorated to such a level that Kris didbnt even noticed that rhea has dangerous lesions on her body. Suddenly she thought of Rao,the doctor

She wanted to have an expert to talk about her ailments. She wanted to get her youth back.

Rhea tried to start it once again. Had made an appointment with the doctor .Son has been put under the custody of his parents .Servants were send home.

Expect the unexpected. The drive to Dr Rao would nt have taken long. But since she had not taken cathe car for long and was unfamiliar with new road,she was forced to take anew road. Muddied by monsoon showers. Water lashed against the wind shields.

“Had I made a wrong decision? Kris should have been with me”’,she thought.

Suddenly the rain became so long and the road got muddied with water. Some body told her that a dam has been burst and water is getting pumped into the roads. Like a Tsunami it came

As she come out to safety, she could see the car washed away in the floods. What a day,she whispered. The rain was not abating and the floods played havoc through the lush paddy fields. She wished if the sun would rise again .She wished if Amal were there.

Her wish was granted partially. Amal was there looking at the girls flesh enveloped by the wet dress. The bosom uncovered. Sari disheveled. Old age visible through her hairs. No hiding it. She did not want Amal to see he in such a shape. Wondered why I have kept it all unattended all the years.

At the sight of Amal she blushed.Old memories returned to her. Old liasion. Naked to each other ,they would cajol each other ,carass each other and had devoured each other as it were in an old passion play.

Amal was in the shop where Rhea came in. He doesn’t want to meet her as he was afraid whether she would forgive him.And what of him now? His riches have gone.His shop is empty and he himself was a vestige of his yester years. He was so afraid and hesitant.

Both see each other .Perhaps the intense physical pain reminded them of their old physical trysts. The meeting of a man and woman who shared the fruit of the sin for the first time

“ I could n’t believe myself” ,Amal told Rhea.

You were here. Why haven’t you meet me?”

I thought I would disturb you””

She laughed. The hoarse voice betrayed her illness, her unhappiness but somehow he liked it.

Perhaps the rain, the cold shiver and the dilapidated building have provided a fresh platform for their new rendezvous as if arranged by the gods.Or they thought.

“ It was a mistake”,He confessed

“Do not talk of the past ‘,she warned.

It was the past we were. And we destroyed it”, she said

“Even if you hadn’t bumped me, I would have dumped you”, she revealed. It was the first shock. Suddenly it dawned on him. It was just casual love. Animal puppy love.>He cried in the mind for the loss of innocence. The loss of his own sense of guilt, which was a pleasure. You redeemed me from the pain

He wanted to kiss her and say good bye..She wanted to escape from there .But rain gods were plotting again. A burst of hailstorms..the road sparkled in the icy white crystals which fell like dead stone

When I was young and just becoming a girl I would go after them to collect it in my skirt. After a moment it would nt be. I have carried it all through these years as a secret. She smiled remembering the small girl playing hide and seek with the white crystals as if it were an eternity.

In the dark. When the rain came it came as floods .One day we were washed off from the settlement .Water has become a curse to me.

Rhea consoles Amal.

”Amal,you got everything you wanted.rich wife.Riches,Big bazaar. Girls of your choice.”

Me too. But see how like raindrops on atindrum

I am empty and hollow.

Amal tried to hug her and console her.

Rhea I have failed in my life and I do not know I would be the same again”

Perhaps we were destined to meet like this to see me dejected and lost.”

Rhea got surprised

Amal.

Falling.falling,falling..

“We should allow how to fall,fall and fall.I am there Come one day”she waved to him and tried to walk through the rains.

‘No Rhea,It is still raining hard and the road has become a valley of death where traps of death smiling at you.”

Traps ?you are kidding?it was the same for all these years. I was trapped like an animal althrough these years”Except when my body ….me”

Rhea cried and waited for the rains to subside.Amal got alarmed. Though he has eloped he was aware of his name and his name getting involved with. He is a man of standing,member of lions and Rotary clubs, donate handsomely>they are so enamoured neamoured of them . He wanted her to be inside the sop.

Inside the shop,she tried to sqeeze out waterfrom the saree and tried to takeoff her wet clothes without getting her uncomfortable.

It was years since I have seen her osBut ido not know why Icant touch her

A falsh appeared andisapperaed in rheas eyes.

“I thought you would have me’,”Body and soul”No rhea”

“Leave me”’

She walked into the rain Her hair was disheveled>She didn’t look back though amal wished for it.

Oneday. Perhaps I could have her,he thought and looked back into the mirror to see his own horrible image Fat,bald, pot bellied He was a disaster.

Oh rhea,he cried at the loss of love and youth.

It was raining heavily DR rao has already left for home and Rhea had to wander through the rain to reach home. By the time she reached home somebody have ensured that the car was recovered and send ther.

Iight.She felt free at last.There was no thoght of amal or the krsi or even about her own child,who was growing fast.

She looked into the night which was heavy and calm except for some noises asking for help or light for getting home.In the hills the nights are very very dangerous if iyouaare unfit

>The soundof the sudden rush of water acted like a a gash in her wound.She felt so alone.

She longed for love.The raindrops tapping on the houseand calling her name andvaiding her to sleep.She slept off to anew dawn. n

Present. The sun in April has risen up. Rhea was with me for three hours and we knew it would be a very cruel evening. Perhapswe would nt even meet in our lifes time

Shewas nt perttrubed and seemingly happy too.

‘Age is catching up with me diseases too”’ i told her.

“What of me?Iam also getting old”,

Then only he has seen her hairgetting grey and face wrinkled

: yu love me?Heasked quizzically.

Perhaps it was the questionshe wanted to hear all these years.

She hasn’t replied and looked up at him intently

If so I would have done years backRhea replied.andsmileda tmy question

My babe.I couldn’t control myself.’

“ You are so cute .How have I lost so early?”
No,there are hours and minutes to go and even seconds are great”

A silly frown from her

For me you are the fire for my passion. the deep feel of self,there turn of self esteem everything we advise and seek.

We know that there are enough seconds and minutes and hours and if it is not possible days and months to propose our love.

Even if we do not propose at all, every thing would go as it is ,The time is not going to stand still ,the April sun would grow hot and May would burn hot .Deserts would bloom .And rain would come.

Perhaps we would remain like a sculpture of love, telling the new testament of love like Micaeal Angelo did centuries ago.

Present.

I am seeing off Rhea to her world and freeing myself .

Love is not love which doesn’t allow itself to be loose ,free.

15/07/2009

You beast she laughed.and put off the telephone from the cradle.i felt acreeping sensation.

An Essay on Relationships